IRL

Graced

When love touches grace the fires burn brightly. The glow with the dim lights of passion, the burn with the red embers of lust and they soar and sputter with the wispy arms of joy. Love can burn long and low. Seem like nothing much to those outside but be hot enough to provide and keep everything moving. Love can scorch hot and quick like the one night affair or single year of attachment. Love can come to you in a lighting bolt of longing that you never saw coming. Giving life to a passion that would mow down any other feeling you may have had in the past. Making new way for life and love. Destroying everything you grew in previous relationships, your trust, happiness, dreams, hopes and, wishes. Making a path open for growth of friendships, understanding, caring, comfort, and closeness that you could have never felt before. Let the lairs lie, let the cheaters cheat. Their heat of love is only scaring you. What burns you one day, prepares you for new love and life on another.

He did so much worse then cheat, or lie. He destroyed utterly everything I had. He selfishly piled his own needs and fantasies to fuel a fire he couldn’t contain. He didn’t look around at what I had built, at what I had so carefully laid out and made home to. He saw what he wanted and didn’t have. He gave excuse after excuse. When the storm came and burned me to a crisp. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t breath. I didn’t even think I could live any longer. I gave up. I saw the ashes of hate, fear and, loathing around me and cried. I wept over the scorched lands of my heart as the earth would weep for her dying child. I wept for the loss of all the great things I had planned. I wept for the broken dreams I saw shattered in front of me. I wept most of all for the love I still held, I hated it. I wanted it to burn and die. I wanted to dash it on the ground and stomp it into dust. However, in my haste of everything crashing around me, I held onto it as a reminder. This was real, it was something that I had and kept because it had been there the whole time. It was my love, the one I had given freely, now covered in the ashes of this mess. I cried over it, cleaned it with my tears and saw myself inside.

I rose from the rubble and looked deeper. This love I held was something I had always given away without thinking about it. I didn’t know what to do with it. I could feel it needed something but I didn’t know what. I found someone who looked at it and smiled gently, “it is not mine.”, and sent me on my way. I gave it again, “it is not mine”, yet again but this time I was closer. Because this time, I had found someone who understood. I gave it over, “This is not mine, it is for you. Love yourself and watch what happens.”. It was as if he had opened a flood gate, but he didn’t step back out of the way and watch me fumble, he stood there strong as a rock and grabbed on. He showed me how to light the small simple fire that would keep my passion burning for myself. He taught me about how different types of dreams took time and that didn’t mean I should forget them. He helped me rebuild my love for myself, and in doing so, I made a room in that place for him. I love him as if he had always meant to be there. I love him more and more each day as I see the fruit of friendship he planted so many years ago.

My lesson is this, understand that things happen. It will always happen. Fill your life with wonderful people who understand you and you can rebuild. You can find passion and fires worth your time. Be yourself, and love yourself, as you learn to love yourself, you can then find love for others more passionate then you could have ever imagined. Know that sometimes, letting go is hard, but necessary for growth and development. If you cling to the destruction you smother your own personal potential for rebuilding something better.

I love you all, you are all my very special people.

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Mother

For a woman who went threw so much and pull herself up out of the dust, I could not be more proud. I thought long and hard about what kind of gift I could get for the woman who did so much to mold and shape who I am today. The woman who has stood by my side for each of my child birthing experiences and who has held a calm head and leveled mind with any problem I found to big to hold on my own. For me Mother is not the only thing you are. You are my healer, taking care of my soul and heart when it was broken, speaking words of understanding and wisdom. You are my councilor, taking each thing I worry about and stress over in and feeling it out for ways that I can keep a hold on it. You are my friend, the person I am closest to and shared all my fears and insecurities with and you shared with me, which is how I was able to be such a great friend to other women in need. You are my teacher, insisting that I learn to fix a car before I learned to drive it. You are my role model, reaching for the highest shelf of self achievement and showing not only me but all of your beautiful children that when you work hard and focus on each task one at a time, a wall can be built, a bridge can be crossed and a life goal can be reached. You make life understandable, we may not always have things work out the way we want but maybe it is the way that is needed. You make love relatable,  understanding that doing what is easy is not always what is best and doing what is best is not always easy. Making hard choices from the day you found out you were pregnant with me. Understanding and showing the world that even if no one is holding your hand or standing at your side, you are still a force unequaled in ferocity and will care for your loved ones what ever it takes.

For all of this and so much more, I had no I idea what to get you as a present that could show you just how much you have taught me, loved me, cared for me, raised me and inspired me to be who I am today. You continue to share your light and wisdom with two beautiful girls I am proud to call sisters and one amazing young man who is growing to be quite wise that is my brother. I know you are the same amazing woman who raised myself and John, and I know you will raise them all to be as hard working, selfless, proud, loud, happy, caring, understanding, strong willed…, and brilliant as yourself.

I love you Mother. You make me proud. You make me smile. You, and only you, can be the one person in my life who understands my silly jokes and will snort over the phone with me when I call you. I love you, Happy Birthday you wonderful, Beautiful, amazing person.

Love,

Beana

Five days

So much has been going on in my world. I have started slacking on studing too. Part of it is not knowing what to write on this blog. Maybe when I run out of ideas I should post a short story?

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On the bright side, little Man is wanting to read with me and to me which is ubber cute. ‚̧

Distractions

So I felt super bad for not pushing myself to study yesterday. I have many opportunities to study. I played games and chatted with people and just relaxed. I have been feeling rather down recently and knowing what I have to study for is kinda mind numbing if you hit it to hard.

So I took an unofficial day off…. Result being, I feel guilty, and I have 90+ Reviews waiting for me on Wanikani…. Oh well back to the grind. I just need to work on my pace and watch out for signs I am getting to worn out. I don’t mind taking a day but if I am not actively doing something for at lest one hour each day to prep for the test I don’t know that I will make it.

So today is make up day and get my sh*t straight day. I can do this. It is going to seem super overwhelming if I don’t ever take the first step in.

I also have to remember that not every mistake means I can’t do it. Only that I know I can because I know the difference. Now if I could only impart this wisdom onto my two year old with potty training.

Study Habbits

So, let’s get real for a moment. I am not the best at studying. I am terrible, in fact if I had to place a bet on myself to study every night consistently at the same time or for the same amount of time each day I would fail soooo hardcore. I am also flighty about my interests I have to push myself over and over and over to regain interest in something. You know how long I have been trying to learn Japanese? Since I was a preteen. I am terrible I know.

Yeah!!! 16 year old me kicked ass. What! (Only girl in the photo...)

Yeah!!! 16 year old me kicked ass. What! (Only girl in the photo…)

So to keep myself engaged into doing this and doing it right I am going to sign up for the test when the slots open up and pay the fee. I have already paid the money why not take it. I also have 11 months to study. I have been keeping up on my Kanji so I shouldn’t have a problem there but I worry about the grammar and vocab. I have got to think of some tips huh? Well know what I am looking up now! I will report back with anything I find that works for me!

My Tool box

So in getting ready for the test I know i will need to know quite a bit of kanji, vocabulary and grammar. All of this is expected. Because I am skipping the first level test I will need to add in loads more then I have been pushing on myself in the past. Which is kinda the whole point.

So in order to get ready for the test I have compiled all my textbooks and programs and will list a few of my always opens and some of my thoughts on each.

General Knowledge:

  • Instant Immersion Japanese the Deluxe Edition Workbook.I picked this one up from Half priced books for 4 bucks. It isn’t super great about hitting the points I need to know about grammar but has been very good at giving my mind something to work on when I have some free time. It also gives me more confidence in my speaking skills as it uses romanji and I read the little stories in it to my husband and we figure out what it says together.
  • Genki 1+Workbook. This seems to be a common one that came up all the time on several sites about learning grammar and reading practice. I have started on it but I am not one to push myself normally, so it has been hard on me. I have plans to finish this workbook by April and be on to Genki 2.
  • Daily Journal. Picked up a journal from my local store and have started to use it to write down my vocab or thoughts on the day’s learning. Slowly putting more and more Japanese words in as I go.
  • Mobile apps. There are soooo many of these I think I will have to do a post on it’s own!

Kanji:

  • The dreaded kanji is something I feel like has a lot of new learners scared, but really for me, I enjoy kanji and I feel I have a better understanding of my studying when I know the Kanji that goes along with it!

Wanikani. Super big one I have read about that people have used very successfully. Slow to start as they use the SRS method, but once you get going it is scary to step away… That being said… I was using this on and off last year… I started again last night and here is what I got with all my reviews that awaited me.

doom box

GULP

However… shortly after

1yr no wanikani

YES!!!

It took me quite a while to get there but I finished all my reviews on day one. The biggest suggestion was that you don’t do them all like that and just ease yourself in, but I don’t get a lot of quite time to myself to just relax and work. So one night there ya go! I got a 54% and I think that is amazing considering I haven’t touched it in almost a year. That means I retained somewhere in my brain 54% of the words and vocab and radicals that I had learned! That is amazing!

Wanikani also has a great E-textbook called Textfugu. I have a lifetime membership to it but… I never really got into it. However, as I am trying out new things I may go back and try it out again. Time will tell.

Listening practice: YOUTUBE!!!

I love watching youtube to get my fix of natural Japanese that doesn’t come from a cd. Here are a few of my picks for just listening to, some have captions but I tend not to listen as much and just read…

  • Bai Ling Girl English Chika’s English Lessons: Okay okay okay, hold up. Learning Japanese… I know it says English Lessons but she teaches English and american culture to Japanese people. So listening to her speak Japanese is awesome! Using subjects we may already know we can hear some words we might want to talk to someone about. Plus, if you are going to be teaching English, she brings up some points you might need to keep track of when teaching in Japan.
  • Kemushi Chan : This girl is full of spunk. I love watching her videos and have picked up more then one of the books she talks about. I aspire to have her level of Japanese!!! She is amazing in explaining things with such a bubbly personality. Cons: She doesn’t post very often now a days. She seems to have gotten quite busy with her life and that is okay! She has a library of videos to get you started!!!
  • Gimmeaflakeman : Victor uses a lot of non common words that textbooks don’t seem to look at. He uses words from viral Japanese videos, news sites, and just his everyday encounters to show some more flavor to your vocab. I love watching this self proclaimed “King of the Morons”.
  • JPCMDH : I love love love this channel, they put up videos of Japanese commercials. No subs here, and I love getting to guess what the ad is for before they show it!

Okay okay okay, it is like 3am here and I have to get up with the young one in like 4 hours! Good night! Good luck! And stick around for my next post!

A sweet start.

Howdy Y’all and thanks for stubling into my blog. Currently I live in Austin,Tx and have just started studing for the JLPT N4 certification! I have never taken one of the tests before but I figured it could be fun to blog about my trip to N2 certified!!!

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